Welcome to Pokémon We Could Beat Up a bi-weekly column from me and Chris where we go through the pokédex and talk about whether we could beat each pokémon in a fight. For the sake of argument let’s assume that Chris and I have no weapons, this fight takes place in a large arena or coliseum and there are clear skies so no weather effects are in play. Now that the rules are set let’s get into some discussion.
I first floated the idea of doing 5 random pokémon but Chris noted that it makes more sense to just go down the list and talk about them in order so that’s what we are going to do. Let’s do this thing!
Weight: 15 lbs
Chris: ABSOLUTELY. This little frog wouldn’t have a chance with me. I have 150 pounds on it. I’d use the tiny bit of UFC knowledge I have and dominate this toad.
Steve: Bulbasaur is an easy win I think and there’s really not much too it. He’s going to throw a couple leaves at me and I’m going to brush that off and rush right at him. One good kick and he’s dazed, then I get him on the ground and he’s done for.
Weight: 28.7 lbs
Chris: I think Steve is overexaggerating. It’s still a frog just a little bigger. 30 pounds? I could curl that with my left arm. If they get to use all of their moves then I’ll just grab a shield and block all that stuff Steve’s worried about. They’re still small vines I could rip off. Easy 2-0.
Steve: At first glance this seems like a decisive victory for me but you have to remember that Ivysaur has sharp teeth and claws. I’d get wrapped up by a vine and mauled. I might get a few good shots in but that’s about it. Or I get poisoned to death, not a good outcome either way.
Weight: 220 lbs
Chris: I have no chance with this thing. It would be like fighting the height of an NBA player with the size of a sumo wrestler. I would have no way to attack it.
Steve: There is absolutely nothing I could do against a Venusaur. I accept defeat.
Weight: 18.7 lbs
Chris: Once again, I think Steve is making this look a lot worse than it is. Claws and teeth aren’t anything that scare me. My dog has claws and teeth and he’s bigger and heavier. The tail doesn’t worry me either. He never uses it in battle. I’m taking him down again. 19 pounds was like me at 6 months old.
Steve: On paper this looks like a fair fight but the claws and the teeth in addition to the flaming tail? After reading Chris’s response I want to change my answer. 2 feet is nothing, the claws and teeth might hurt for a little bit and the tail might be annoying but I don’t think a charmander is very durable.
Weight: 41.9 lbs
Chris: This one is definitely interesting. I’m about 6 foot 180. On paper I should demolish this little thing. But it does know a few more fire moves that would mess me up. However, he has T-Rex arms so if I’m within 3 feet he’s screwed. I’m gonna be able to get him and he won’t be able to lay a hand on me. I’m going to take my wins while I can because I know later on they’re going to be near impossible. 4-1.
Steve: With the height and weight of a 7 year old I have to say again looking at the numbers my odds are good. Let’s hope that I can dodge a fireball or two and deliver one swift head kick to this thing and put it to sleep.
Chris: After the first 5, I feel more optimistic than Steve. I think he is overthinking it too much. They’re still so little. I’m either way too over confident or just trust my fighting ability more than Steve. 4-1.
Steve: After reading some of Chris’s thoughts I changed some of my answers. Things that move on 4 feet scare me so Ivysaur has me beat and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to a Venusaur. I was indeed overthinking the statistics, anything under 5 feet and 100 pounds I think I have a fair shot against. 3-2.
New fights every Monday and Friday at 2:00 PM EST. Gotta beat em’ all.